We Were Unloved Until...
by T-Bird
Summary: Chichiri/Tasuki, shounen-ai, lime. Takes place during OAV 3, Ep. 2 "Transience of a Water Mirror". Chichiri contemplates his past, Tasuki is worried and wants to comfort him.


We Were Unloved Until…  
  
By: T-Bird  
  
For: All Fushigi Yugi or Yaoi (possibly both) crazed fans  
  
Rating: R  
  
Warnings: Chichiri x Tasuki, shounen-ai, very ripe lime, otherwise enjoy!  
  
I sit here helpless, trapped in these memories again. Torrents of thoughts and voices and faces all there, forever present inside my mind to torment me until the day I die. They are more intense than they have ever been before since…he is back. Hikou…  
  
I see and hear it all as if I was reliving the experience. Her tears and her sobbing apology. His anger and his betrayal. Her suicide. The Flood. My hand grasping onto his, gripping as hard as I thought possible, only to let his fingers slide away allowing death to swallow him up in its terrible current. Then the log, the blood, my eye. My desperate cries and sobs of pain and loss, wracking my body endlessly.  
  
I deserved worse than that for killing them.  
  
Even the pain I have been plagued with for eight long years is not enough punishment. And now he has Miaka. I am a total, utter failure. Protecting the Priestess of Suzaku, the very task that I was born for, I cannot even perform correctly. That is why I wear my mask, to conceal my unhappiness and self-loathing behind a perpetually smiling paper face. I feign happiness and silliness, just to keep the others going but inside of me, my emotions eat me alive. I am a lot like Miaka in that respect, she is known for that as well. But she is young and she has someone who loves her dearly and will support her in any way he can. Poor Taka, he's probably insane with worry, waiting for me to get my sorry hide out of bed so we can go rescue Miaka. They love each other so dearly, that it hurts me to watch them sometimes.  
  
No one will ever love me again. Not with this scar. Not only the one that seals my left eye closed but also the emotional scar that will never heal. With these burdens that I shoulder, and these recollections that make me suffer, I'm not even sure that I am capable to love anymore.  
  
I feel that familiar painful lump form in my throat as I attempt to hold back the tears. I fail. The dam that is my one good eye breaks allowing the salty river that is my tears to stain my cheek. Weeping, lacrimating, sobbing, crying, whatever you want to call it, it's not foreign to me. I need someone desperately, someone to just hold me, someone to help me build up my courage. But everyone's gone. They left me alone in this room, in this bed so I could recover and sort out my thoughts. So far, it hasn't helped.  
  
There is a soft knock at the door. I don't answer, unsure of the exact reason why.  
  
"Hey, Chichiri, its me." A low whisper permeates through the door, reaching my ears.  
  
I know who it is; I identified his chi after he knocked. I was surprised I hadn't felt it before that though; I must have been too distracted. He opens the door, without asking if he can come in of course. It is in his nature after all.  
  
I don't bother to wipe my tears, not because I want his pity however but because I'm familiar enough with him so that he won't mind them. He has been my very close friend for nearly three years and I have seen him cry before, as much as he'd hate to admit it.  
  
He enters the room, closing the door quietly behind him. He glares at me and I look back at him, my vision blurred as my eye was still filled with tears. As they spilled over I could see his form clearly. He was wearing his pajamas, which consisted of an open shirt and baggy trousers. The moonlight from the window caught in his disheveled orange hair, giving it a delicate shine. He frowns at me, one fang exposed between his lips. His arms are crossed over his broad chest as he stands at his full height; he is not much shorter than me. Yet despite this attempt at intimidation, he reminded me of a disgruntled child. He is seven years my junior, but at nineteen his is considered a full-grown man. But when you look into his amber eyes, you know he has seen much more than the average man has.  
  
"You were cryin'." He states simply, breaking the long staring contest.  
  
I had stopped crying for the moment. My recent scrutinizing of him had made me think of other things…distracting things…  
  
"Talk t' me, Chichiri! Say somethin', please!" He cries out, suddenly urgent.  
  
"I…I'm…" I mumble. I don't know what to say.  
  
His temper flares up, which is evident by his chi and the look on his face. He storms over to me and grabs my shoulders, shaking me vehemently.  
  
"Why were you cryin', dammit? You can tell me, Chichiri! I swear I won't tell!!" He begs, his voice cracking.  
  
"That's not it…" I whisper.  
  
"Then what the hell is it?!"  
  
We look into each other's eyes again, his full of genuine concern, mine brimming with tears. He notices this and releases my shoulders as he sits softly on the bed, regaining his composure. I, however, was losing hold of my own, tears flowing freely. He lifts his slender hand and with a surprisingly feather soft touch, wiped my tears away. Shocked, I looked at him, my eye wide. He reached that same hand behind my head and gently pulled me towards him, so that my head rested lightly on his right shoulder.  
  
"It hurts…t' watch you cry." His voice shook as he said this.  
  
I then feel his head fall onto my right shoulder, his soft hair tickling my neck. The proximity of our bodies stirred a certain desire within me; one I daren't even admit I have. I was shocked even further when I felt a drop of water trickle down my naked back. Is he crying too…? I lift my head and bring my hand to his chin, lifting his face so that I could verify my query. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, trying to hide the tears that threatened his masculinity as he bit his lip with a sharp fang attempting to quiet his whimpering.  
  
"I-I…feel really bad 'bout what I did…to Tama and Miaka." He averts his eyes as he says this. "The guilt sits inside me, gnawing at my heart. I almost did to Tama what Hikou did t' you!"  
  
"But you didn't have any control over it…" I begin softly.  
  
"No way, don' gimme that crap…I shoulda been stronger!!" He cries out, tears now streaking his face. "Aw, shit…I don' even like women, 'cause this is what they do t' us…"  
  
"No, Tasuki, Hikou has done this to us. He is the one to blame for these tears that you and I have shed." I say, letting go of his chin.  
  
He wipes his tears away with his sleeve as he sniffles. He looks down at the blanket, thinking about what I've just said. I notice again how boyish he looks and I smile inwardly. Suddenly, he begins to chuckle softly.  
  
"It just makes me wanna kill 'im all the more, knowing that he hurt you, too." Tasuki growls.  
  
"I'm not worth worrying over, Tasuki…"  
  
"Like hell yer not! Yer my friend Chichiri, I care 'bout you a lot!!" He shouts at me.  
  
Somehow, the word "friend" struck me deep. Is that all we can be, Tasuki? Is that all you want? I must admit, as of late I have become particularly attracted to the fiery brigand, but I had no idea how to approach him about it. I fear rejection but in the given situation think I have a chance…a chance that I must take…  
  
"I care a lot about you too, Tasuki." I whisper into his ear.  
  
He shivers, probably from the warmth of my breath passing by his ear. I cup his face in my hand and he is caught off guard, not expecting such intimate contact from a friend. I move my thumb back and forth over his soft cheek, attempting to comfort him.  
  
"Ch…Chichiri?"  
  
"We can get through this together, right, Tasuki? We won't let him do this to us anymore. I won't let him…hurt you anymore…" I whisper quietly.  
  
Without thinking of the possible consequences, I bring my face closer and brush my lips gently over his, pulling him into a soft, fleeting kiss. However inexperienced we both were, it was still quite pleasurable. I haven't kissed anyone else since…she died… I pull away reluctantly, slowly peeling my eye open to view the sight before me. Tasuki's eyes are wide open, shimmering with utter surprise. His cheeks are flushed in deep shade of pink. His lips are slightly parted, revealing a wolfish fang. His shoulders are rigid and his hands are balled up in fists, grasping the blanket. His breathing is slightly uneven as I wait, hoping and praying that his reaction is…  
  
"That was…nice…" He whispers, relaxing a bit.  
  
I smile at him, relieved. So, he doesn't like women…because he's only attracted to men. I've had a feeling about that for a while. I lean in for another kiss, which this time he returns. I rub the tip of my tongue along his bottom lip, requesting entrance into his mouth. He obliges and I massage his tongue with my own. I run my tongue along his teeth, his pointed fangs poking it sharply. As I expected, he begins moving his tongue along mine. Soon this kiss turns from an expression of affection into a battle for dominance, a battle that neither of us wanted to lose. I began roaming his formed chest with my hands, my fingers caressing his tanned skin. He moans into my mouth, and arches into me, losing control. I take advantage of this moment by pushing him down onto the bed. Still kissing him hungrily, I remove his shirt discarding it to the floor. The need for air squeezes at my lungs so I break the kiss, biting his bottom lip as I pull away. We both pant heavily as we gaze at each other. I take in the sight of him. His eyes are at half-mast and his chest is heaving. His lips are slightly swollen and sweat is beading on his forehead. He is so beautiful.  
  
"Do you want this, Tasuki?" I ask, running my fingers through his silken hair.  
  
He grins his wide, wolfish grin and pulls me towards him, kissing me hotly. He rolls over and pulls me under him so that he is on top of me, gaining the dominant position.  
  
"Only if you do." He growls.  
  
He leans over to nibble at my ear. I groan at his ministrations as his tongue delves into each crevice. His strong hands begin to roam my body, arousing me, distracting me. He leaves a trail of kisses down my face and neck, where he drags his tongue along the muscles of there, sucking and nibbling as he goes. He dips his tongue into the hollow between my shoulder blades and I cry out in pleasure. He moves further down, licking my chest, tracing along the indentations of what little muscle definition I had. Without warning, he took my right nipple into his mouth and I moan throatily. He sucks at it, rotating his tongue around the soft pink flesh while fondling the other nipple with his fingers. Then he switches sides, and delivers the same pleasurable torture. I buck my hips against him, crying out for more. He finishes with that and moves down even further. His hair tickles my stomach as he continues his assault on my body. I understand his intentions when he chuckles and begins fumbling with the tie on my pants. I grab his hands, stopping him. He grins mischievously and pins my hands at my sides as he proceeds to untie the knot with his teeth.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" I threaten.  
  
He wasn't going to have his way with me; I was going to have my way with him. I grab both of his wrists and twist them forcefully enough to cause him to cry out. I move out from under him and push him down, pinning him onto the bed straddling his waist. Before he could protest I pinned his arms above his head with my left hand. With my right hand, I grabbed a fistful of his fiery hair and pulled his head back, arching his neck. I assaulted his neck ravenously with my mouth. I nipped at the long chords there and I sucked his Adam's apple. He moans and I feel the vibration of his vocal chords on my lips. I cover his lips with mine to silence him as reach town to untie his pants. He pulls away from the kiss almost ferociously, evidently angry that I was on top again.  
  
"Bastard." He growls at me, smiling, baring his teeth.  
  
"Bitch." I counter, holding back the laughter as his eyes widen.  
  
"No one calls me a bitch, and gets away with it!" He shouts.  
  
"Oh but you're my bitch." I purr into his ear.  
  
"I am not!"  
  
"Are you really in the position to say that, Tasuki?" I ask, thrusting my hips against him, reminding him where he was.  
  
He grimaces at me, he did not like being submissive. Well, I didn't either and even though he is stronger, I am older, wiser, and taller to boot!  
  
"You'll thank me later, no da!" I wink at him. "Have you ever done this before?"  
  
"What d'you think?" He said without looking at me.  
  
"Yeah…I haven't either, Tasuki."  
  
"Are you scared?"  
  
"Are you?"  
  
There is a long pause between us.  
  
"No," he smiles. " 'Cause yer here with me. I'm never scared when yer near me, Chichiri. That's why I think…I…love ya."  
  
"Tasuki…" I whisper touching his face.  
  
I have been waiting for those words for such a long time. I pull the boy into a loving embrace, returning his sentiments. I haven't been this happy in eight years. I kiss him sweetly, running my fingers through his hair. Reluctantly, we pull away, both realizing that we have to stop. It's not like I don't want to have sex with Tasuki, I've wanted that for a long time. It's just that, when he said he loved me, I was caught in the moment. What he said made me realize what I have to do, and neither of us is disappointed that we had to stop because of what we now know.  
  
"Tasuki, you have given me the strength and courage to face my past, to face Hikou. Most importantly, you've given me hope of the future…a future with you." I whisper sitting up. "But now, I must face that demon that has injured us. I promise, when I return, we will finish what we started here."  
  
Tasuki sits up and grabs my hand intertwining his fingers in mine. He is crying again, silently, but he looks me in the eye allowing his tears to flow freely.  
  
"Chichiri, I have loved ya for a long time, but I never knew that ya loved me, too…until now. I never thought that anyone would ever love me, but…" He swings his arms around my shoulders and sobs, "I've found you, Chichiri!"  
  
I held him close, stroking his hair, letting him cry those tears of loneliness. I know what its like to be lonely and feel guilty for hurting you're friends. We know how the other feels; we can comfort each other like no other person can. Most importantly, we are here for one another, to love each other no matter what happens. Hikou cannot hurt us anymore; I won't let him hurt Tasuki again. I pull away so I can face him.  
  
"Tasuki, I've got to go save Miaka. You should go back to bed and get some sleep." I suggest. "I'll be back for you, I promise."  
  
He nods in reply and wipes his tear soaked face. I lean in and kiss his forehead before he stands. He picks his shirt up off the floor and walks slowly towards the door. I stand as he looks back at me, grinning that boyish grin that I endear so much. He winks as he leaves the room shutting the door behind him. I hear him run off, back to his room.  
  
After a few moments of quiet reflection, I dress quickly in my shirt, kasa, kesa, and my tai chi shoes. After grabbing my staff that was leaning against the wall, I head towards the door. I leave my mask behind. Intentionally. I walk out the door only to find Tasuki, fully dressed leaning against the wall with a grim look on his face.  
  
"You know where they are, don't you?" He demands. "I'm goin' too, no matter what you say. I was thinkin' 'bout what you said earlier and I…what Hikou did to you…is what I was going to do to Tama. The thing is…the thing is, he…they don't blame me at all. I always thought of Miaka like a sister, but…I'm a man, too. I never thought feelin's that low were inside of me. I…I don't care if I die. If it's for those two then I…"  
  
His unruly bangs shielded his eyes but I knew he was on the verge of tears again. I bring my hand to his head, stroking his hair in a comforting fashion. He had my love. I could only offer him my words of wisdom now.  
  
"No person is ever really complete, no da?" I begin. "That's why nobody can ever really live alone. All right, Tasuki. The two of us will save Miaka!"  
  
My hand drops to my side as a tall figure emerges from the shadows. It's Taka…  
  
"Three's better that two. Right?" He enquires.  
  
I smile at him.  
  
"I may not be able to save you this time." I warn him raising my staff.  
  
He doesn't care, he loves Miaka as I love Tasuki and nothing will keep him from her. And…for once…I can say that I know how that feels. 


End file.
